"All God's children got problems!"

I'm going through a situation where I may be going through yet another change. Facing a life, again, so (bleep) far away from where I had 'planned' on being. Couldn't be farther from it actually. Like if it weren't  so scarry and sad, I would just laugh at how life can 'throw you a curveball'.

Somehow these past 3 years have been like I've been tied to home plate with curveballs being pelted at me non stop. I'm tired of going through a life change that seems to be lasting a life time of one change after another. Wave after wave.

Monday I was told that I'm looking at living my life not married anymore, facing 'moving on', again, forgetting my plan X to find plan Y. Wondering why God isn't 'doing something' to make things work the way I wanted them, even plan X was better than plan Y. Scared, feeling so lonely, so unloved, or unloveable. After all when the one you have spent 22 years of your 49 with tells you things, you just don't feel too good about yourself.

I go to work wednesday and meet a young woman who's in school to work in the optical field. Come to find out, she got here 2 1/2 years ago via a 26 hour bus ride from her 'family' that she was escaping from. Only allowed to take the things she could carry, leave the rest behind. Got off the bus, having never been here before with all her possesions in her pocket. God has been her source of making her life work ever since. She's been able to get a car, rents a basement apt, saving for a toaster oven. She works at a fast food restaurant trying to get enough hours to make her bills. As small as they are, when you're 26, 2 1/2 years into a new life, it's a big deal.

So, God, you showed me AGAIN how you make plans that work out. This 'child' had to run away from a family that abused her for years, leaving no forwarding address, disappear. Never being able or wanting to see them again. Move to a place you don't even know anything about, but God knew, and she allowed him to send her where he had already set things in motion for her to prosper, keep her safe and give her a job, friends, school, a life she hadn't been able to live.

My faith, or lack of it, made me ashamed of my self pity. God controls everything, and his plans are perfect.
She stepped out in TOTAL FAITH, she had to trust God was sending her to where she was supposed to be.

"A little child shall lead them". I sure got a testimony of what faith looks like, in a young woman, living in the lap of God's provision.

Well, son, I imagine you'd be moving back to college this weekend. Seems like everyone is gearing up and packing for the great college life. You would be a senior this year. I wonder if you'd still be in Columbia or if you would have changed schools. You talked about it, saying you wished you had considered some more opportunities instead of following your friends. You were going to be an International Business major. Going to take Chinese. Big plans. I wonder about the trips you would have taken, the places your studies would have offered you. I wonder if...

But now I just pretend.

Tara's a senior at Mann this year! I didn't realize that I'd have had 2 graduates in the same year! She starts tomorrow with dreams and plans to her college life. Where to go, what to study. And I know in the back of her head, I know it's in mine, is 4 years ago. The day you started with your dreams and plans. Now we just hold our breath and pretend that we don't know the end of the story.

She got her senior portrait done and I can't wait to place it next to yours! She's a beautiful young woman. You'd be so proud. She's worked so hard as a lifeguard all summer, she can be very grown up, and you know, she can also not be so much! But she's turning into an adult, and I'm not so sure I'm ready for that.

In 1 year, I'll be officially an empty nester. Something I joked about for years and now I wish I could just do it all over. I'd do a better job, be in every moment, savoring all the memories.

Who am I fooling, I'd probably make the same mistakes.

Here's my chance to help Tara through this year, with all her dreams and plans.

I love you so much, that is the one thing that hasn't changed in the past 3 years. Help Tara, she needs your voice to tell her that she'll be ok. I guess I do too...

Outside JL Mann in your honor, Dreams and plans...

Here's to the class of 2011, don't let there be a reason for another one of these to be made.

Happy Birthday Daddy! It's been 10 birthdays you've been gone and not one day when I didn't need you.

Sounds selfish, but you were always there, getting me out of trouble, and not judging me when I messed up.

 You used to take me to the 'bubble gum store', a gas station, it may have been called Burns grocery store. I got to get to my hearts content, it was our time! Back then you could get candy cigarettes! Funny how that was ok in the 60's!!! I remember how cool it was to go up and down the rows of candy and gum, picking out my favorites! I miss you so much and know you are where you are free, free from the wheelchair you were in for the last 10 years of your life.

You handled your hadicap with such determination and never let what life had left you stop you from getting to where you needed to go.

I admired that. You didn't  ask for help, you did what you needed- had- to do. And you never complained. Well you did but, it wasn't whining,and who could blame you, you got some disease that no one knew about at the time, lost your leg up to your thigh and the muscles in your other thigh.

You couldn't work as a mens suit salesman anymore, and you were quite the salesman. We always said you could sell ice to eskimos!

 But you worked every day until the day you died. In a wheelchair, sometimes 2 jobs, just to make enough money to give to me and Lisa and Tracie. You sacrificed your own needs to give to your kids.

I'd do anything to talk to you today, take you out to the Clock for a hot dog with chili and onions and a sweet tea!

You and Taylor and Holden celebrate with joy-- and I know you are keeping close to your grandsons. You were gone when they left this earth, I'm glad in a way, it would've killed you, but I know you were there when they got 'home' and I'm grateful to know you showed them the palace.

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Carter Lee Bishop

August 12, 1937- February 8, 2001.

"Come all you who are burdened and heavy laiden and I will give you rest."

This is the 2nd time today I have heard this verse from 2 different pastors I listened to today. Something tells me God is trying to tell me something.

Rest isn't my strong suit. If I try and take a nap during the day, I usually end up with my heart beating faster thinking about what I need to be doing instead of resting. So I end up getting up feeling less rested when I laid down and proceed to do 'something'. Anything but rest.

This summer definately hasn't been about rest. 10 week power push from school, a 250 question test each tuesday, 32 hour clinicals each week from 7-3. 2000 question homework due, 500 question tests to do online, a 500 question final, and the last week of school was a final push of study days, personal acessment exam and the certification of 200 questions on friday. I worked saturday and sunday. Rehursal monday, pinning ceremony tuesday and I worked thurs, friday and saturday about 26 hours. I work monday and tuesday 16 hours and THEN, I 'plan on' resting.

But for now, I am burdened and heavy laiden. I see it, feel it, think it and am living it.

Worried about my family, my husband lives an hour drive away, I can't see him or know if he's ok or if he even misses me. Does absence make the heart grow fonder or is it out of sight out of mind?

I'm in need of rest. God knows it. Put your yoke upon me He says. But I continue to try and carry my yoke and anyone elses I can snag and put upon my shoulders.

Psalm 37 in my Bible is penciled in "FRET NOT". The pastor in Columbia preached on that one today. I've underlined it, * it,colored in the word DO NOT FRET! I understood it, but these past months, I've not remembered it.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently on Him.

2 more things I don't do well, still and patient.

Thank you God for reminding me of what you need of me, what I desperately need of you.

I know that I don't rest, still or patient well, and I know the more I pray for each of these means that I'll be strengthened by the opposite of them.

I am heavy laiden, tired, out of patience, everything is out of whack right now. Alot of changes, another of my non favorites. What are you teaching me through this? What is the devine purpose? I know you have plans for all this unrest and change.

If you can use anyone God you can use me, bring rest to my spirit and allow me the ability to be still and KNOW you are GOD. In the midst of this storm, bring the still water and allow me to find the rest that only comes from your grace and mercy.

Thank you for safe keeping, I know that I messed up and took charge, got impatient and didn't be still. Tried to be God when only you are. Forgive me and thank you for mercy, for which I don't deserve.

Show me how to do this. I'm tired of trying to do it by my own strength, and now I am heavy laiden, yoked to the grindstone.

Your ways are much better than mine.

Amen.