Randomness from the mind of me.

Tatoos. I've never that I can remember thought about getting a tatoo. But after Taylor left, I've been obcessed with getting one. In the past 2 years of meeting people who've lost a sibling or a child- they either already have a tatoo in memoriam or are talking about getting one. I never know this feeling existed until then. I wonder why we do this? Is it because we can permanently carry around the one we lost actually on us? A visible reminder to everyone- people who we never even talk to, that we have someone special with us, on us. Maybe it's because it is permanent that we feel like nothing can take them away from us- if it's on us- it will be on us forever. Maybe too it's guilt. Guilt that we couldn't do anything to keep them with us, we'll mark our bodies with a reminder. So, I finally got my tatoo yesterday! My reminder, my beacon to the world, my memorial, my guilt, my passion. My children.

Disneyworld. We got back from our trip donated by my sister and bro in law and mommie. What an experience! There are 5 cousins, Tara is now the oldest, the youngest is 4. Tara had a great time, but I wondered about how much more fun it was for the younger ones, the ones who had siblings to enjoy it with. I seem like I can always find the rotton part of an apple, but I tend to look at things from different prospectives now. I guess that's another reason for the tatoo, the "why didn't we take a trip like this as the kids were younger?", "Why were we always so concerned about being so cheap and not letting a thin dime slip from our hands?", "why didn't we take more opportunities to adventure, enjoy, explore, love, share...?" So I look at people and wonder about how they've made out in the game of life? I wonder how many people are like us, how many will be- but just don't know it yet, how many will never know how lucky they are to never be like us. I especially hate to see parents hollar at their kids for being goofballs. I mean when you're in Disney and you're a kid- there's no way you're gonna make it out with out a kid overdose of emotions! And I've been there, done that, got the tatoo even now, but I want to walk up to them and say- you know what? I hope to God that you never have a day that you look at that child laying in a casket and remember things like this. They'll eat you alive and make you want to put a screwdriver in your ear to stop the visions. I hope that one day you never have to look at this child dying in front of you, knowing you'll never be able to tell them you love them and never ever ever hear them make you mad again.

But we all do that. Things we regret, actions we take that can't be rewound. Omissions, transgressions, opportunities. Just one big tatoo in the making.

So, my tatoo has the 2 things in my life that I want the world to know (besides I love Jesus!) My hearts belong to Taylor and Tara... Forever.